Marred-Age

It is that time of the year. I am in that time of my life. This time of the year is the worst time for me to be in that time of my life – It’s when two idiots have decided to go for it, mahurats have matched and Taj Gateway has an extra banquet hall all ready. The wedding season!

*match-making aunty flicks a tear of joy*

Till now, it was easy to play hide-n-seek with about just a million wedding invites each year. I didn’t care about them, and the great news is, they did not either! I was happy saving 4 hours of my life, and they were happy saving Rs. 800 of my plate!

So just yesterday I was still sticking finger in my nose, and today I am getting invites to my friend’s weddings – not my elder sister’s friend, or friend’s elder brother buT MY FRIENDS! MY FRIENDS!!! I AM GETTING SO HYSTERICAL JUST WRITING ABOUT IT THAT I AM SHOUTING! WHY GOD, WHY?!B9hXCnPIMAAYUAM

And unfortunately, I love these people- So, I am not only going to attend a total of 5 weddings but all 50 thousand functions of all 5 weddings! One of the few times I wish I was Christian- I do. I do. We go.

Oops!! I can feel it. Intolerance is rising. Shut up! No cares when you are not Amir Khan. *Sulks*

Anyway…

It’s the first time that I am actually using all those motivational I-kid-you-not-kid speeches given to children preparing to get into courses that are actually kidding them: Life is hard. Life is difficult. Deal with it. I spend 20 minutes each morning, using all the knowledge I can remember from the compulsory Yoga class (that I spent doing Shavasana) at school, preparing myself to clear all three rounds of the upcoming trial-

  1. Laden self with 200 kilograms.
  2. Practice and execute dancing on DJ wale babu mera gaana chala do! Without alcohol!
  3. Stand in a line as big as the population of Hong Kong to meet and greet the grin-stricken face of the bride and groom for a micro-second! Oh wait, that is not even a micro-second.

…And get unnoticed! Too much pressure on this little one, I say!

Frankly, I don’t mind other people getting married! I mean free food- Yaay! But things really turn seriously funny, or rather funnily serious when your parents start getting ideas! And it’s worse when you haven’t found anyone yourself, and they offer to help you out! I mean it makes you feel like a failure! It’s their way of saying – Tumse na ho payega, beta!

*digs a hole and goes underground*

I think for my own sake I should stop here. You guys can continue with surfing the web for latest trends, thinking of a reason to avoid that ONE wedding (share your ideas with me as well), buying cheap gifts that look expensive. And while you are at it, I would recommend investing in a great pair of shades. Too much bling is not too good for our eyes, you know!

*gets back to DJ waley babu…*

And then they say we are intolerant!

a

Mughals ruled us. British ruled us.  Then, Congress ruled us. And then they say, we are intolerant.

We are a country that despises the killing of holy Cow over a meal of Chicken Tandoori. We are a country that idolizes Gurus who rape women and pardon an actor who kills the homeless. That pours a glass of milk on a rock at a Shiva Temple, and makes our wife sleep hungry. We are a country that encourages to celebrate water-less Holi and cracker-less Diwali, while spending a weekend having a tub-bath after a long non-polluting drive. And then they say, we are intolerant.

cWe are a country who writes about women empowerment, below the headline of a little girl raped. That votes for tall politicians who say boys will be boys. Where Chief Minister of the capital goes on a dharana, and capital from chief transactions go to Swiss. We are country that voted Lalu Prasad Yadav back to power, and then they say, we are intolerant!

India is country that has imported McDonalds’ and Subway from the west, while still litters and defecates in the open to attract pests.  We are a country who would rather learn Yoga from an American instructor. India is a country where people want customer to consume what they make in India, while they wear clothes that aren’t even sold in India. India is a country where a criminal runs an NGO called “Being Human”. And then they say, we are intolerant!

India is a country where tragic Drama on our television are so stupid and hilarious, and where the level of our comedy shows makes us want to cry. India is a country where heroes in the movie are hero-worshiped, while heroes on the battlefield are hardly noticed. India is a country where Bigg Boss comes back with a loser-packed season every year. And then they say, we are intolerant!

India is a country where supply of grass in Kumbh Mela is much more than rave parties. India is a country where a young boy with a glass of beer is immediately labelled a rapist, and where marital rape is not even considered a crime! India is a country where Mallika Sherawat talks about woman being suppressed, in an interview at a place she can’t even pronounce. India is a country that has made Honey Singh popular, and then they say, we are intolerant!

b

India is a country where Sheikh Lights a diya on Diwali, Nancy loves Sheer Kurma, and little Pooja hangs a sock in hope of getting gifts from Santa Clause. India is a country where people actually end up marrying someone they have never seen, only because they trust their parents. India is a country where women think tying a thread around a tree ensures a long-life for their husbands. And then they say, we are intolerant!

The problem is that sometimes India is too tolerant.