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XX-Cartoons-Ironically-Showing-Our-Smartphone-Addiction__605You swipe left. You swipe right. You check your Facebook feed. You scroll through your twitter timeline. In the meantime, you receive a few good morning messages. As if text chat wasn’t enough, you snapchat. You read some breaking news about a leading actress-turned-black magician. You keep your apps open. You close your life.

You eat while scrolling. You scroll while eating. You wake up, and scroll. You scroll before sleeping. You look around, and everyone is scrolling. You see a beggar, you witness an accident. You want to help, but instead you click and upload. You fish for likes, you want approval. You are oh so cool. And then you go back to scrolling – scrolling your life away.

Do you know the feeling when the roller coaster stops and you are still, but the world is still moving? I am perpetually in that state! The world is moving too fast- change is too hurried. Even before one adopts and adapts to change, it has changed already. And may be twice. Perhaps it would be more appropriate to say, our maps and world view are out of date because the world is changing really rather fast.

More and more it feels like our lives have turned into a gruelling race towards a finish line we never reach.  Curiously, there has been very scant discussion about this dramatic speed-up of society. People may complain about how busy they are, how over-loaded modern life has become, but speed is viewed as generally positive – something that will help us enrich our life.

tb538ea_Boy-that-escalated-quicklyWhen I say the world is changing, I am speaking about every single aspect. From the literal sense of the planet Earth changing, to the people, the mentalities, the beliefs, the cultures, the technology, and the most important one: purpose. People have lost the sense of purpose, putting them in situations of utter confusion. We do not have time to sit and think about life amidst all this conundrum!

Having all the information on your fingertip kills the surprise element of our life. By the time kids are 25, they have been witness to everything that can be experienced by body and mind! Nature of the mind is such that it is always looking for newer experiences, something unique to keep it going!

In this age of high-speed internet, way too much information is thrown at you. There is a simulator for every kind of experience that there is. One knows how a different part of the world looks like, how the cosmos looks like just by sitting in their room! There are no revelations, no secrets, no privacy, and no novelty in this day and age. As one theory states – Don’t be surprised if suicides increase henceforth. Because the mind may want to explore beyond death, with the death of curiosities in this lifetime.

To sum up, I will use the last few lines of one of my most cherished poems by David Weatherford,

“When you run so fast, to get somewhere – you miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift thrown away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower

Hear the music, before the song is over.”

Sum-Marr

Therm_skyIt’s that time of the year when you’re bombarded with headlines like “23 Ways to Beat the Heat!”, “Perspire or Expire” and “Look hotter than Summer- wwww.cheapclothing.com”.  In keeping with that theme, I present the only real solution to summer, i.e. leave. Head to the hills and only come back with 10 Tibetan flags to stick them to your near and dear ones!

It’s that time of the year when all the teenagers go like, “Let’s go to LADAKH and get LEH’ed!” because YOLO! In the remaining of free time from all the free time that they have, they tag their friends on every buzzfeed article that reads, “20 places you must visit before you turn 20”. What they don’t know is the writer of these articles hasn’t been to any of those places even at 30, and is earning from writing it to suffice his travel expenditure between Churchgate and Andheri. Because YDE- You Die Every day!

It’s that time of the year when kids have holidays, and parents are looking for summer camps just to get them off their back. Judge me all you want, but it still blows my mind that we no longer have summer holidays. No more three-month periods of doing nothing. If I could, I would enforce that rule in the adult world as well, leading to a worldwide vacation, as essential services ground to a halt and the global economy crumbled to a point where we were back to barter system. Wait, aren’t we headed there anyway?

It’s that time of the year when a lot of our history was made. Call it poetic or call it dramatic, but, “He protested against them by fasting in the heat, and fought without drinking a sip of water” has an impact! And then there’s me. I wouldn’t even need to be tortured or anything. If you want to get state secrets out of me, just put me in a room with a fan that the bai forgets to turn on after jhaadu. In three seconds, I’d confess to everything from hum aapke exactly hai kaun to killing Gandhi.

It’s that time of the year when we really, actually, truly, essentially wish that we would have been born on other side of the globe. Because our government has a sure shot way of torturing us and giving us something that we just don’t need – power cuts. I am sure there are more humane ways of letting us know that you hate us, and don’t care a damn once all the income tax is filed in March.

It’s that time of the year, and probably the only bright side of summer, when we can relish on Mangoes- a fruit known worldwide for its ability to drive Indians nuts. Because otherwise we are pretty great at it ourselves.

There’s about six weeks of this nonsense left, so it would be best to pack your bags and go to the hills – and no, I do not mean Pandavlena!

That was the week that was!

Arnab Desai had news channels,

E-I-E-I-O

On their channel they had some TRPs,

E-I-E-I-O

With a suicide here, and an anti-national there,

Here a scam, there a rally,

Everywhere a perk, perk!

Current_Affairs_IndiaWith so much happening this week, our journalist had a field day! This gave them an opportunity to have a finger in every goddamn pie! Let me just list down all the major happenings of our country this week, just to put things in perspective, regarding our current state of “well-fare”!

  • There was Jesus Christ, and now there is Salman Khan. Jesus turned water to wine. Salman turned it back to water.

Salman: 1; Christ: 0.

(Do I have to apologize to Christ? Will I be called a racist or an anti-national? I hope no sedition charges on me for this one!)

  • The rich 17-year old brat recklessly driving Mercedes need not worry about justice with Hit-and-Run cases in our country! When you have a mentor like Salman Khan, no number Siddhart Sharmas’ dying is going to lead to justice. Relax bro, care for some Martini?

Salman: 2; Integrity: 0.

  • There has not been respite for the jewelers. This one month long protest doesn’t seem to be leading anywhere! This protest-turned-slugfest became fun when the leader of Anti-corruption movement jumped in to back holders of unaccounted wealth. Well, there is an opportunist and then there is Kejriwal.

Corruption: 1; Honesty: 0.

  •  In the last few weeks, for the first time in India, we experienced equality in the true sense- Jewelers and Farmers, both were on protest. Time for self-evaluation, Modiji? While they are sticking to their side of dispute in this scorching heat, a Good Samaritan sent them a stand-up comedian for a little entertainment- our very own favourite, Rahul Gandhi!

Gandhi: 1; Protestors: -10.

  • Talking about scorching heat, the drought situation is real. And IPL being conducted in drought stricken Maharashtra will only talk about our priorities – green paper over green fields. But why is everyone insisting on shifting IPL outside Maharashtra? Rather we must insist on them to import a measly 150 lakh litre of water in Maharashtra! Let’s play their game their way!

On a side note, to overcome the water crisis, contact Salman.

Salman: 3; Society: 0.

  • Thank God Bihar isn’t suffering from a drought situation. Given the liquor ban, even Salman wouldn’t have been able to help.

Nitish: 1; Salman: 0.

  • Close to Bihar is Chandigarh, where people who couldn’t get into roadies are struggling to make a mark in Stand-Up Comedy, under Modi’s “Stand-Up India” scheme. One minute silence for them.

Roadies: 1; Modi: 0.

  • Not so close to Bihar is Panama, from where a few papers were leaked, and now some rather important people are in a fix. Alas, if only it was as easy as papers leaking at University. Sigh.

Indebted India: 1; Incredible India: 0.

  • University paper leaks are least of our concern these days. Universities now serve a larger purpose- they have become prime centers for playing dirty politics. Education – Ha! Who cares?

Wide-eyed kids (studying in Hindu Madrasas) in 2020 – Are you really telling me universities were supposed to impart knowledge and stood on three pillars – Parampara; Pratishtha; Anushasan? (Courtesy- Senior Bachchan; because junior never seemed to have gone to one)

Bharat Mata ki Jai: 1; Mohabbatein: 0.

  • On the other hand, my heart goes out to students preparing to get into IIT, but merely will end up getting into a life-long education loan. Only to be able to use the Stand Up scheme of course!

Banks: 1; Education: 0.

  • Solely good lord can save our country from all this chaos and stupidity! Gee, but then again, owing to the way He created me, I cannot enter the temple to meet Him! With temple’s new found idea of gender equality, I am looking for a transgender to take my message to the almighty. Any references?

Stupidity: 1; Sanity: 0.

  • This bring me to my favourite – Rakhi Sawant vs. Ceiling fan! For someone who has never seen a fan in her entire career, I can probably understand why she wishes to ban them. Though I would request the government to let her use one before they do so!

Rakhi Sawant won; everyone else zero.

All I can say is that at the end of the day, everyone is but just a speck of dust that no one cares about. A tiny speck on a pale blue dot suspended in a vast cosmic arena.

Well Pitched

If there is one thing that the British did right, apart from teaching us the art of defecating within a space of four walls of course, is challenging Bhuvan to a match of cricket! We loved cricket more than probably they intended us to, so much so that we beat them out of their game! I mean we would have, had we been playing tomorrow! Never mind.

We must also give them the credit of unity in our country! For something that innumerable speeches, political agendas, education, love marriages can’t do, we need only a game against Pakistan- no points for guessing who wins those! I wonder if the English had anticipated the extent to which the rivalry would build up back when they created Pakistan. I imagine it was a complex, gut-wrenching decision, involving heated debates on politics, religion and morality.

Mountbatten: OK, so if we divide the nation, it will lead to an immediate battle, followed by years of chaos and conflict…

Aide: Yes. But the cricket will be awesome.

Mountbatten: Chal done!

If you are done crying over our defeat in Semi-Finals, I think you should use this weekend to think about how are you going to fill all the awkward silences in conversations you would rather not have with the people you would rather not talk to! My heart goes out to people who followed the tournament day in and day out with the dedication of a Facebook stalker.

But then you give IPL to such people, and they are as happy as the kid sucking on Kala Khatta Gola, which obviously is Kala and Khatta for perfectly hygienic reasons! No, I don’t hate IPL. It’s as if the game of cricket went ahead and decided to have a ridiculously loud bachelor party. Even casual fans like me are bound to get swept up in the madness.

I love how IPL deletes all the boring stuff – like how is the pitch, what is the angle of the blade of the grass on the off-side, percentage of saliva the bowler would need to adorn the ball, etc. – and focuses only on important things like Gayle’s stunning sixes, or how Virat needs Anushka’s positivity, and such matters of consequences! It’s India’s two religions – Cricket and Bollywood- creating so much spark that it would even put the bling at a Marwadi wedding to shame

I’ve decided against stadiums, since I’m not too keen on the whole ‘death-by-heatstroke’ thing. (Blah, anyone willing to sponsor my tickets?). Watching a match in the stadium gives you a golden opportunity to call your loser friends who’re at home, and ipl funny cartoons12find out who the hell is on strike, because from where you’re sitting, Rahane might as well be Nita Ambani in a helmet.

All said and done, cricket is the real winner. And the sponsors. And the husband in cric buzz ad, who called his wife wide.

In the spirit of cricket, all I’d like to say and pray is that may the best team win – as long as it’s Indian.