Aye to Zzzz

Mitron! Today is the first New Year’s Eve in the history of New Year’s Eve when we may start drinking at 8pm not to celebrate but to forget. Our beloved Modiji once again will adorn television sets of every household and ensure no one really wishes anyone a “Happy New Year” because there may most certainly not be anything happy about seemingly New Year. Pfft.

funny-new-year-resolutions-1In all its glory this definitely seems to be his moment. But if he wants it to last for another five years after he completes these, I wish to continue Bachi Kankariya’s style of listing A to Z (Read as Zee, because classy, you know) of resolutions, that I hope Modi follows, for the sake of you and me of course. Read on…

Acche Din: a reality now, pretty please!

Ban the ban wagons. We need freedom of speech and action in the true sense.

Corruption can be and should be removed without having people to stand in long queues!

Demonetization to Re-normal-day-isation. SOON.

E-ticket, e-adhaar, e-mail, e-India, e-jio, ey-little more internet speed please?

Freedom to eat, greet and tweet minus any “heat” to be made as intact as reinforced concrete. (Oh yes, #ArchitectSwag)

Governance over the government. And also over Gandhi’s Game of Thrones.

Homophobia to be massacred. X 377 times.

ISIS to become ISWas.

Jokes on snapchat, and news in parliament. And not the other way round.

Kyunki Ramdev Baba bhi kabhi Yogi the.

Liberals to be given a dictionary to know the meaning of “liberal”, so as to reduce the intolerance amongst liberals. Touché.

Modi better remain the Modi we voted for!

No odd-even for the Delhi CM – governing only on odd days, to even out the imbalance? Why?

One Rank One Pension. Period.

Poly-tricks to be curbed.

Queues or National Anthem are not a sign of patriotism.

Religion and region are no reasons for disproportionate governance.

Salman to stop killing black bucks, stop his ‘buck buck’, and stop using his buck to buy the law.

Terrorism needs to be terrorised!

Uddhav to work towards a new and improved Sane-a?

Valid education degree for politicians? Oops, sorry Modiji!

Warning: Making expensive statues of leaders, without really following their principals is hazardous to health. Yours, ours, and the nations.

X-Factor of the political campaign need not be X-treme amounts of money.

Yearly review of governing authority to be commissioned, as intensely as twiterratis dissect a statement by Kejriwal.

Zzzzz, wake me up when the bank opens. With money. In Rs.500 notes.

Well, maybe he will take my advice, or mostly not. But here’s wishing everyone a year 2017 times better than 2016.

Appraisal Festival For Kids

Ho Ho Ho! It’s that time of the year when “good” and “well-behaved” children are rewarded – for being good and well-behaved of course. It is just one of those traditions when elders bribe the children to be good so that they don’t grow up and bribe…erm?

So I am wondering how Santa Claus (SC) discusses with his Human Resource consultant (HR) about the management of the gifts in ratio with the degree of “niceness” of little mortal beings. Let’s explore…

HR: Sir! Sir..SIR!

SC: *wakes up* what is it?

HR: It’s time. We need to evaluate the yearly performance of these naughty brats.

SC: What? Why on earth do I have the most taxing job ever? Whoever fancies sneaking down through chimneys when everyone is chilling in the holiday season! FML.

HR: Eh..the Amazon preview sale is until midnight, let’s go over the list so that we can get great discounts, shall we? What about Donald?

SC: Who? Trump? The same guy who when opens his mouth is only to change whichever foot was previously in there? Have they started selling feet online yet? We may need a couple of hundred for him for the coming year.

xmas1HR: Well, what about Salman Khan?

SC: Oh ya, order a car for him. I know it’s a highly unsafe choice, but he needs to go far before he signs any other movie or Bigg Boss…the sooner he goes, the better. And that way, I guess I am compensating by saving an entire population!

HR: Right. Next is Barkha Dutt?

SC: This young lady has delusions of adequacy. If I had it my way, I would get her off the TV first, but my contract doesn’t allow me to do that. Well, just put her in the list of not-nice children.

HR: Narendra Modi?

SC: He is the same kid tea-seller we had given a pencil a few years ago, right? Well, it certainly takes him no time to make his pointless.  Blade it is then.

HR: Robert Vadra?

SC:   What more do I give him, when I am already paying a toll to pass through his property, be it on ground or in the air!

HR: Kejriwal?

SC: Oh, get this chap removed from the list, and ban him from all future considerations. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom. Check if he has started digging there yet? Or else there will be no place left for him to go!

HR: *chuckles* Rahul Gandhi?

SC: Aww, finally we are talking about children, is it? It’s the easiest to please someone who would be out of their depth in a roadside puddle – also created by them. Candy it is. Anything that remotely looks like one will also do. Just something else for him to suck up to, you know!

That reminds me, I haven’t done my bit of sucking up to Santa Claus for fulfilling my greed…umm I mean needs. After all, like they say (and I repeat on every Christmas) – Nothing comes easy in life. Even Santa comes with a clause.

2016

318a2855d6c708721181899244b82778Whoa, 2016 is ending in just two weeks, and it has given us 2016 reasons to be happy that it’s ending. In retrospect, it was a great year, except if you are black, Muslim, transgender, woman, middle class, lower class, animal or a person in the mannequin challenge. While for some the year ended in a jiffy, but for me, it was one long eventful year, with lots of happenings the world would have been better off without.

Obviously, I am talking about Brangelina break-up.

No, but seriously. BREXIT, followed by Donald Trump being elected as the president of the United States of America definitely top the charts, and will go down in history books sooner than we think. The following few years seem like a legit repenting to these two events.

And how will our very own Modiji lose this race, or any race! Demonitization or demon-ization or who-is-the-demon-realization has made the nation doubt the choice of their leader. Well, a step that looked far more promising as an idea has turned into a complete turmoil, and added to the experience that 2016 anyway was.

Terror attacks have been on an all-time rise. Libya, Turkey, Syria, Bangladesh, France, Pakistan, United States, Belgium, you name the country, and it has been in the news for terrorism. Pathankot to surgical strikes, the India-Pakistan relations back home also haven’t shown any progress. Well, the world that was said to end in 2012, 2016 seemed to have taken charge of it.

In the middle of all these “anti-national” news, our government took a very important step of instilling patriotism in the minds of the people – to play the national anthem before every movie screening. The only thing more patriotic than soldiers standing on the border, people standing in the movie theatre, and Aam Aadmi standing in a never-ending line outside the ATM, is that no-one is taking a stand on anything. *slow claps*

Talking about taking a stand, everyone at Bigg Boss is doing a great job. No, I don’t watch the show, but how is the 10th season going to be any different? 2016 marks 10 years of us allowing the show to run on TV – or the same number as the IQ of the Indian TV audience.

But who needs a Bigg Boss when our Lok Sabha TV is so much more entertaining. Fun fact: This winter session, the parliament was in session for only 19 hours of the allocated 21 days. #adjourned

It did prove a powerful year for the Indian women though. From PV Sindhu, Dipa Karmakar, Sakshi Malik in the Olympics to Shobha De for her opinion about the Olympics, from Sushma Swaraj being as the only one who is digitalized in India to Priyanka Chopra rocking at Hollywood, from all the bahus on TV to Simar having more power than everyone put together in Game of Thrones, we have arrived!

Too hot, too little water, too much rainfall, too many silly internet challenges, too much noise at 9, too less governance, this year was just too much to handle. But hope is the only proverbial light amid the darkness.

Winterlust

d6cb812a2bd19a2f4a9107df033404e9.jpgIt is that point in the year when “Just chill” is not a metaphor for relaxing your mind or a shady Salman Khan Song, but you are literally chilling. Ok, maybe this is a very bad one, but what the heck, I am freezing out here! After all, it’s that time of the year when the weather is colder than the Time’s person of the year. Erm..

Well, for people who call themselves true blue ‘Bambaiya’, let me define winter for you. Winter is this season when it feels like smog, but doesn’t kill like one. It’s that climate when you guys ask – Is 6 layers enough or should I change my body settings to “activate coal stove”?

Winter is like my most favourite time of the year! I mean what’s not to like about it! To begin with – It’s not hot. I rest my case.

Anything and everything that comes with it otherwise, is all bonus. Like the morning sunrise! Sunrise is anyway beautiful, but winter sunrise – Oh my! First things first – it happens decently late. So you don’t have to wake up five minutes after you have slept to see it. And when you are shivering in the morning cold, in midst of fog-striken environment, there it come up as rays of warmth – it the most beautiful feeling. That brings me to the second-most wonderful thing about his weather – Sleep! Long, long, long nights. What else does one want?

Actually, I am not going to treat that as a rhetoric question. One, or at least I also want food! And winter is practically equal to yummy, lip-smacking food! From hot chocolates, to barbeques, to peas and carrots, pies and cheese, gajak and ghevar, this is the best season to eat. The list can go on, though for someone who knows me will know I do not need a temperature update to make a list of food I love, but so what – winter it is this time! Ironically, weight-loss tips and tricks call this weather great for losing weight as well. Though, my one tip to you would be to not get tricked! I mean what’s the point of avoiding that hot jalebi on a beautiful cold morning – are you nuts?

It’s also so festive! I mean so what if all our share of festivals are done for the year – after all, Vasudev Kutumbakam. Christmas it is. Who wouldn’t want to be secular, if that only means it is yet another occasion to receive gifts, and eat Plum cake. Hell ya, I am secular. And a kid. And accept presents – you know, in case someone is in mood for spreading some love.

Well, as a girl who also has a commitment to write a few hundred words more, I also love winter for the clothes! Oh my God, don’t you girls think winter-wear is gorgeous!  Sorry, dear feminazi, aimed the question specifically at girls because we all know guys would prefer summer in that respect. D’uh!

PS – When you snuggle with hot chocolate, dunk some marshmallows into them. Thank me later. #ProTip

Dear Zindagi,

Why do you do this?

Now, every girl with a recent heartbreak, is on streets looking for her own Shah Rukh Khan. Do you know, you have spoilt psychologists for us, like forever? Humph.

Gauri Shinde is a lyrical story-teller. For someone who could make such a local concept so universal in English Vinglish, something went amiss while making a fairly universal concept local with this movie.

I think ‘Dear Zindagi’ was a nice, feel-good, 2-hour pep-talk, but rather too naive for the subject. Having said that, I am not even sure if the audience is ready for a movie minus Katrina’s thumkas and Honey Singh’s..umm..words. It is probably not made for an out-and-out box office success, because a lot people struggling with getting their payday from the banks are a little too busy sorting their life-struggles out ( or “real” struggles as they are called) to wonder about their emotional sickness. But, at least the conversation has started – someone is finally talking about emotional well-being, and it is out there in the open for discussion. This movie is about everything that you have said in your mind, but never aloud.

It happened to remind me of a word that was doing the rounds a few months back – Urban Poor. It was a concept that only these “urban poor” understood, and for me, was a slightly romanticized notion for a situation that millennials had put themselves in. Theoretically, I always understood this concept, but I could never accept the dumbness of it all. Just by giving a label to something quite silly, doesn’t make it valid, you know!

Well this movie for me was like “urban poor well-being” – I am not saying that the struggle is not real. All I am saying is with what was shown on screen, theoretically one could understand Alia’s pain, but it failed at making me live it with her, and hence the very reason for therapy is somewhat shaken.

dear-life-not-a-challenge-wititudesHaving said that, I encourage everyone to see the movie – especially, people in tier II and tier III cities, where ‘modernism in thought’ is yet setting in. It is a great ice-breaker and conversation-starter between young adults and their parents about older taboos, et al. – which is pretty important. While it took some time for my mum to wrap her head around Alia’s choice of life, she was reasonably happy with Shah Rukh’s role of Krishna-right-out-of-Geeta-kinds.

Well, like SRK puts it in the movie – Genius is the one who knows when to stop. In my case, it’s at 500 words. So ya. Bye.

Genius, I say.