Note Vote Hai Rabba

Amidst the smog-bound Delhi, and poll-bound America, Modi played a trump card that for sure has given a smog-like experience to all, even if not in Delhi – and don’t even ask me about the visibility status in Delhi. Forget visibility status, it has even fogged out the “status” in Delhi from Tu-jaanta-nahi-mera-baap-kaun-hai to Bhaisaab-ek-khoke-ka-chutta-milega. You can judge that from the very beloved and honest CM of Delhi Arvind Kejriwal’s tweet – “BJP will lynch everyone who speaks against their wrong doings.” – As a response to the fate of Rs.500 and Rs.1000 notes. The smog, for one, has definitely blurred Arvind Kejriwal’s vision. When the centre has taken a strong step in the direction of the only thing on their party’s mandate, Arvind Kejriwal is as if running to his mom and saying with welled up eyes – “But he cheaaaaated! That was my thing!!” I am not saying Arvind Kejriwal is dishonest, but every time he fights corruption, Mamata Banerjee’s nose grows an inch.

untitledWith a plethora of memes and messages on social media, the past couple of days have felt like a self-declared holiday! To me, it felt like a mass India’s Got Talent with the number of “hidden” jewels I didn’t even know existed around me. I mean kudos to all the people supporting the India-Against-Corruption movement against themselves! The great thing out of this whole fiasco, I mean of course other than the obvious ones, is that when padoswali Gupta Aunty tells you – “I know how much you had last night”, you can reply with a “So do I!” *wink*

On this note let’s observe one minute silence for all the aunties with huge kitty piggy banks in a constant state of poverty for their husbands. While we are at it, let’s also give a big shout-out to all teenagers, who are hooting for Modi. What do these innocent jackasses, living in their snapchat bubble, know about their fathers sweating over a bag full of money-turned-paper in the next room?  I won’t blame these children actually. I mean if an entire country could live in so much of a social media bubble that their president elect bewilders and shocks them all at the same time, then these tiny pouting creatures still haven’t grown brain-cells.

To my brain, the American election still feels like some kind of a social experiment – and it is just not gotten over! I mean I am still waiting for Cyrus Broacha to pop out from somewhere and say – Bakra!

Because this election has proved that no matter who is on top, the pervert parade is still larger in numbers, if not in IQ points. But I don’t blame the Americans. It’s like you are on a mission to lose weight – and you have to choose between not having fried food and not having sweets. I mean both are harmful, and have different ways of messing your goal up. The bottom line on choosing any one is – you are still heavy and now even a moron!

Well, anyway. I know that post the announcement by our PM, life is a struggle for quite a lot of us, but it is a short-term discomfort for a greater good in a long run. Just like not having that sweet AND that deep-fried potato!

It’s A M’ad World

WARNING- Do not try this at home. It’s written under professional supervision. Oops, vision. Oops again, promotion.

'Great ad campaign. Now all we need is a product.'

It knows what makes you shop. It shapes your desires. It invades your dreams. It classifies class. It makes you realise the importance of 30 seconds, while waiting for your video to load. It distracts you on the app. It is everywhere! It is the ad world that makes our world tick. It is a mad-ad world at that. We make this mad world.

Do you ever see a commercial and feel like tearing out your hair? Well, bald men are exempt from answering this question. Unless, you were able to grow all that hair back, all thanks to the 2 a.m. ads. This night binge watching of ads is a trap.

I know a gazillion people who can actually have just one air-filled-air-tight chip. Yes, they stop at the first one! APOCALYPSE! (Well no. They are on a diet, and shouldn’t have essentially eaten that one as well).

I know no one – NO ONE – who because of their super white clothes, or even fair-er skin landed them THE dream job. I mean of course Will Smith and Nelson Mandela aren’t famous. Or loved. We are all just jackasses.

Obviously, one doesn’t see many scantily clad women on the street charging at a man just because he smells nice. Actually, one doesn’t see scantily clad women on the streets, period. And just for the record, most of your faces are stronger repellent. The women in commercials aren’t crazy either. I mean, money talks, honey!

Don’t you think the soap brand took it too far when after Aishwarya Rai, Kareena Kapoor, Katrina Kaif, they claimed their soap has done wonders to Shah Rukh Khan’s skin as well. SRK! Really now?!

And I, for one, can vouch for how using a certain network is one of the worst “ideas” of my life- though it did give me the idea to write this column. Don’t judge me, now! – I am not from IIN. *cries tears of blood*

The point is how dumb do you think your target-audience is. Well, the companies that pay millions of dollars to professionals for all those fancy surveys don’t always get it that wrong. I mean they must be doing something right if they are willing to spend so much on these bizarre commercials. What this mumbo-jumbo essentially means is these companies consider most of us dumb. Well, you do buy the product? Yes? Then you’re dumb. The truth is out there and it’s bitter.

Having said that, some ads are creative geniuses. From utterly butterly creative ads to pa parara pa rara, I think a few ads go a long way!

All said and done, you like them, you love them, you enjoy them, you detest them, but you cannot avoid them. Just like no one can read this one without the tune:

Washing powder Nirma, washing powder Nirma.

Doodh si safedi nirma se aayi,

Rangeen kapda bhi…..Caught you!

Marred-Age

It is that time of the year. I am in that time of my life. This time of the year is the worst time for me to be in that time of my life – It’s when two idiots have decided to go for it, mahurats have matched and Taj Gateway has an extra banquet hall all ready. The wedding season!

*match-making aunty flicks a tear of joy*

Till now, it was easy to play hide-n-seek with about just a million wedding invites each year. I didn’t care about them, and the great news is, they did not either! I was happy saving 4 hours of my life, and they were happy saving Rs. 800 of my plate!

So just yesterday I was still sticking finger in my nose, and today I am getting invites to my friend’s weddings – not my elder sister’s friend, or friend’s elder brother buT MY FRIENDS! MY FRIENDS!!! I AM GETTING SO HYSTERICAL JUST WRITING ABOUT IT THAT I AM SHOUTING! WHY GOD, WHY?!B9hXCnPIMAAYUAM

And unfortunately, I love these people- So, I am not only going to attend a total of 5 weddings but all 50 thousand functions of all 5 weddings! One of the few times I wish I was Christian- I do. I do. We go.

Oops!! I can feel it. Intolerance is rising. Shut up! No cares when you are not Amir Khan. *Sulks*

Anyway…

It’s the first time that I am actually using all those motivational I-kid-you-not-kid speeches given to children preparing to get into courses that are actually kidding them: Life is hard. Life is difficult. Deal with it. I spend 20 minutes each morning, using all the knowledge I can remember from the compulsory Yoga class (that I spent doing Shavasana) at school, preparing myself to clear all three rounds of the upcoming trial-

  1. Laden self with 200 kilograms.
  2. Practice and execute dancing on DJ wale babu mera gaana chala do! Without alcohol!
  3. Stand in a line as big as the population of Hong Kong to meet and greet the grin-stricken face of the bride and groom for a micro-second! Oh wait, that is not even a micro-second.

…And get unnoticed! Too much pressure on this little one, I say!

Frankly, I don’t mind other people getting married! I mean free food- Yaay! But things really turn seriously funny, or rather funnily serious when your parents start getting ideas! And it’s worse when you haven’t found anyone yourself, and they offer to help you out! I mean it makes you feel like a failure! It’s their way of saying – Tumse na ho payega, beta!

*digs a hole and goes underground*

I think for my own sake I should stop here. You guys can continue with surfing the web for latest trends, thinking of a reason to avoid that ONE wedding (share your ideas with me as well), buying cheap gifts that look expensive. And while you are at it, I would recommend investing in a great pair of shades. Too much bling is not too good for our eyes, you know!

*gets back to DJ waley babu…*