That was the week that was!

Arnab Desai had news channels,

E-I-E-I-O

On their channel they had some TRPs,

E-I-E-I-O

With a suicide here, and an anti-national there,

Here a scam, there a rally,

Everywhere a perk, perk!

Current_Affairs_IndiaWith so much happening this week, our journalist had a field day! This gave them an opportunity to have a finger in every goddamn pie! Let me just list down all the major happenings of our country this week, just to put things in perspective, regarding our current state of “well-fare”!

  • There was Jesus Christ, and now there is Salman Khan. Jesus turned water to wine. Salman turned it back to water.

Salman: 1; Christ: 0.

(Do I have to apologize to Christ? Will I be called a racist or an anti-national? I hope no sedition charges on me for this one!)

  • The rich 17-year old brat recklessly driving Mercedes need not worry about justice with Hit-and-Run cases in our country! When you have a mentor like Salman Khan, no number Siddhart Sharmas’ dying is going to lead to justice. Relax bro, care for some Martini?

Salman: 2; Integrity: 0.

  • There has not been respite for the jewelers. This one month long protest doesn’t seem to be leading anywhere! This protest-turned-slugfest became fun when the leader of Anti-corruption movement jumped in to back holders of unaccounted wealth. Well, there is an opportunist and then there is Kejriwal.

Corruption: 1; Honesty: 0.

  •  In the last few weeks, for the first time in India, we experienced equality in the true sense- Jewelers and Farmers, both were on protest. Time for self-evaluation, Modiji? While they are sticking to their side of dispute in this scorching heat, a Good Samaritan sent them a stand-up comedian for a little entertainment- our very own favourite, Rahul Gandhi!

Gandhi: 1; Protestors: -10.

  • Talking about scorching heat, the drought situation is real. And IPL being conducted in drought stricken Maharashtra will only talk about our priorities – green paper over green fields. But why is everyone insisting on shifting IPL outside Maharashtra? Rather we must insist on them to import a measly 150 lakh litre of water in Maharashtra! Let’s play their game their way!

On a side note, to overcome the water crisis, contact Salman.

Salman: 3; Society: 0.

  • Thank God Bihar isn’t suffering from a drought situation. Given the liquor ban, even Salman wouldn’t have been able to help.

Nitish: 1; Salman: 0.

  • Close to Bihar is Chandigarh, where people who couldn’t get into roadies are struggling to make a mark in Stand-Up Comedy, under Modi’s “Stand-Up India” scheme. One minute silence for them.

Roadies: 1; Modi: 0.

  • Not so close to Bihar is Panama, from where a few papers were leaked, and now some rather important people are in a fix. Alas, if only it was as easy as papers leaking at University. Sigh.

Indebted India: 1; Incredible India: 0.

  • University paper leaks are least of our concern these days. Universities now serve a larger purpose- they have become prime centers for playing dirty politics. Education – Ha! Who cares?

Wide-eyed kids (studying in Hindu Madrasas) in 2020 – Are you really telling me universities were supposed to impart knowledge and stood on three pillars – Parampara; Pratishtha; Anushasan? (Courtesy- Senior Bachchan; because junior never seemed to have gone to one)

Bharat Mata ki Jai: 1; Mohabbatein: 0.

  • On the other hand, my heart goes out to students preparing to get into IIT, but merely will end up getting into a life-long education loan. Only to be able to use the Stand Up scheme of course!

Banks: 1; Education: 0.

  • Solely good lord can save our country from all this chaos and stupidity! Gee, but then again, owing to the way He created me, I cannot enter the temple to meet Him! With temple’s new found idea of gender equality, I am looking for a transgender to take my message to the almighty. Any references?

Stupidity: 1; Sanity: 0.

  • This bring me to my favourite – Rakhi Sawant vs. Ceiling fan! For someone who has never seen a fan in her entire career, I can probably understand why she wishes to ban them. Though I would request the government to let her use one before they do so!

Rakhi Sawant won; everyone else zero.

All I can say is that at the end of the day, everyone is but just a speck of dust that no one cares about. A tiny speck on a pale blue dot suspended in a vast cosmic arena.

Jai Mata Di

In India, we are very lucky because we have multiple Maa’s – Dharti maa, Bharat Maa, Ganga Maa, Our own Maa, Dai Maa, and for some even Radhe Maa.

And when I write Jai Mata Di, I am definitely not talking about the funny woman, over-decked as a Christmas Tree (or our very own version of Santa Clause?), who carries a Trishul in the flight! I mean I laughed so hard when I read this news; it made the colour of my blood as red as Radhe Maa could get! Alright, alright. I know it’s a forced metaphor, but come on, I had to use it! You know me.

On the other hand, the entire nation is disturbed by one regional leader’s reservation against saying ‘Bharat Mata Ki Jai’! And it couldn’t have been timed better (or worse) when the entire country is struggling to define nationalism, or rather anti-nationalism. Everyone is acting like a self-appointed inspector to scrutinize, review and sentence anyone and everyone as an anti-nationalist!

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Cartoon courtesy – @MANJULtoons

And our very own Shiv Sena is like that audio cassette that has stopped working and plays only one thing on loop – Go to Pakistan. “You eat beef?” – Go to Pakistan. “Muslims want special treatment?” – Go to Pakistan. “Amir Khan even opens his mouth” – Go to Pakistan. Well well guys, enjoy the free vacation! Shiv Sena is like those teachers from school, who are so inefficient that only thing they can tell the students who won’t listen to them is – Go to Principal’s office. Sigh. We know how lame this bunch is!

I think the true question here is- can the politicians approach us without any hocus pocus? Sometimes I feel that we get trapped in the words so much so that we forget what the real issue at hand is, and start fighting for something that is completely bizarre, and at times unnecessary. And it is even worse when our politicians capitalize on this trait of ours! I mean can’t you all educated, wise, and astute people of this nation see the mockery of it all?

Just because someone says ‘Bharat Mata Ki Jai’ doesn’t mean he will always work in the interest of the nation. And vice versa. I can very well be a gangster and say jai Hind at every opportunity I can! There are ample nationalist and anti-nationalist who are a part of riots, moral policing, scams and et al. Slogans cannot be an ultimate sign of patriotism! Hence, not saying one, or teaching them in schools, both, according to me, hold no meaning – unless one can induce patriotic feelings in children.

And something that it definitely is not is religious. How is saying “Bharat Mata Ki Jai” Anti-Muslim, or Pro-Hindu? There was one post doing the rounds on social media, which beautifully displays how ‘Bharat Mata Ki Jai’ is only about the country, and has nothing do with your religion- Bharat Ammi Ki Jai. Amin.

PS- Can Mulayam Singh Yadav please gift “Samajwadi Sugandh” to all anti-nationals, to spread their essence of “samajwad”.