Call It A Day

There are people who wish to call it a day even before the day breaks. And then there a few people who strive to call anything and everything about our existence a day. We are aware of the number of bizarre International Days that we all celebrate. Most commonly celebrated are the days for different relations. If India had it its way, we would have had to celebrate some relation every day and all of 365 days of the year would still fall short of accommodating all the duur-ke-hai-par-apne-bahut-kareeb-hai rishteys. I was just going through the UN’s list of such days, and I have realized that we have a day for everything that we would rather not celebrate in life. Like Cancer Awareness Day, World Tuberculosis Day, Refugee Day (yes, we have a day for people who do not have a country), Sparrow Day, etc. We probably need to figure out how and why Fathers’, Mothers’, Daughters’, Sons’ Day made it to the list. But erm..

So today is World Toilet Day, or as I like to call it To-Let (out) Day.

On this auspicious day, I would like to put end to one discussion once and for all – Wash It, Not Wipe It! Let’s face it guys, beneath every excited scream – “Yaay, I am going for a Euro Trip!” there is a – “Oh hell, toilet paper again!” Why west, why?

Let’s try and imagine what must have happened. There was an early human, fascinated and astonished at something stinky coming out from his body, while looking at a beautiful sunset view across the lake! And then thinking – Shit, this feels dirty! He looks at all the water and wonders, “I used it for cleaning the house, having a bath, washing, rinsing. Oh my God, that’s too much for something so fluid. How can I use it to wash my poop?” Amidst all this worrisome thinking, he sees a tree, and goes like – Idea! And he cuts the tree, slices it, makes paper, and rolls them, and pats his back while patting dry his…IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!

Well, anyway. I am getting so carried away, as if I am going to Europe tomorrow! Meh. Let me come to the reason why we need this day. To put things in perspective, there is about one-third of the world’s population that doesn’t have to choose between water and paper, because they do not have a toilet!

Fun Fact: There are more number of mobile phones in the world than there are toilets.

Untitled.pngActually, people are building toilets these days. In my two years of experience in this field, let me take you through the easiest and quickest way to construct a toilet:

Step 1: Find an images of slums and villages, and play them on slides with sad music.

Step 2: Also attach photographs of toilets in disuse, toilets filled up with garbage, field sized areas of sewage and stagnant water, which accompany explanations of why we need to reinvent the toilet.

Step 3: Then add images of women in India walking into fields to relieve themselves with captions about their vulnerability and statistics of their likelihood of being assaulted.

Step 4: FIND pictures of happy people standing in front of their shiny, newly constructed toilets.

Step 5: Add a quote by Bill Gates or Gandhi for the effect.

Easy-peasy, bro!

PS: The world has a shit of a problem. Butt, don’t call it a day yet.

What Puts Happy In Diwali?

Diwali is here. I know this because “save the environment” talks are on an all-time high. Though not to mention everyone who says this owns at least three diesel fuming cars, and fourth is probably a Dhanteras gift. Touché.

Every time I breathe during Diwali, I know why Paranayam in this festive season is not the best idea! Smog also is the not the best idea if you want Laxmi to navigate till your house, you know! While I am at it, having an idea network definitely is the epitome of not-the-best-idea. In the meanwhile, people in Mumbai and likes consider this as fog, and enjoy it with pictures on Instagram – winters. <3. Touché.

happy-diwali-may-you-take-this-opportunity-to-unnecessarily-overuse-the-words-auspicious-prosperous-and-joyous-3b73cI think it’s just me, because everyone otherwise seems so happy! By everyone, I mean people starring in 27590 advertisements on every possible media platform, selling everything from a Beetle to a beetle. Though when Diwali falls on a month-end, it still is about one week away for it to become happy. Touché.

It’s not all bad though. Diwali is that once-a-year chance to catch up with neighbours and relatives, so that you can remind yourself why you only meet these people once a year. But I love some of these traditions, especially the fun ones wherein everyone gets together on festival to gamble! I mean why not? One of the drawbacks of meeting people is that they may ask you to tell which movie you’re watching, Shivaay or Aye Dil Hai Mushkil. While “Aye Dil Hai Mushkil” was really how KJo has been feeling for the past couple of weeks, I am not commenting on Shivaay, because – Haw!!! It’s a God’s name. If you are unable to decide your pick, then I suggest you flip a coin and gamble it away before it lands.

Well, if you are seriously thinking about avoiding watching ADHM because of Fawaad Khan, think twice! One, because he is so hot (blushes), and two, because you might as well support the “Say no to Chinese lanterns” campaign. While you are at it, don’t forget to not keep it only till the lanterns, and you will be surprised at the number of items that we use daily are actually from China. The real “agnipariksha” is always post Diwali festivities. Touché.

#Sandesh2soldiers is the flavour of the season. And it should be too. Never have so many, owed so much, to so few. But are we only paying lip service to them through #Sandesh2soldiers? Why is it that apart from battling Pakistani shelling and terrorists at the Line of Control, the army is also being forced to battle the bureaucracy in South Block in the “war for status”?

Well anyway, with all the “responsible” actions this Diwali, don’t forget to smile, enjoy and celebrate this festival! Its’ a festival of lights, crackers, dressing up and posting the false “this is INDIA from space” photo everywhere. Try not to spam other people’s WhatsApp with 1 km long messages. And girls, eat that chakli! After all, that’s what makes it a happy Diwali!

 

HOLY HAI!

What? Bible or Quran?

For once can we not be so feeble in our thoughts. How can anything that claims to unite, but only has proved to be a reason to divide time and again, be termed Holy?challenge

I was only talking about Water.

And not really about the “holy” rivers of our country, just because – as the legend goes- some drops of Amrit fell in them a few centuries ago! But if that is what makes you save our rivers, so be it!

And you know what, I will tell you a secret that they will never tell you. Water, Air, Earth are holy not only on festivals or certain days but every day! Oh yes, every-single-day! Can you believe it? – Market mein naya hai, jaldi forward karo!

Why is it that in last few years, our hidden-environment-enthusiast pops up for the birds during Sankranti, water during Holi, Air and noise pollution during Diwali? Because, in olden times people used the resources judiciously and lived frugally every day and celebrated elaborately, whereas today, we live like we own the planet every day, and celebrate “judiciously”. True story.

We all know this week saw two of the most contradictory days “celebrated” one after the other. We all endorsed save water, and took an oath to do so on World Water Day. Oh, but how can we help it if it was so badly timed, only two days before Holi – and like any New Years’ resolution, even this one didn’t stick around even for 48 hours! All of us enjoyed Holi, and if anyone tried to remind us about our conscience around water scarcity, we coloured them saying – Bura na mano, Holi hai! Actually not all of us. Because some of us at Nashik are still awaiting our turn to play colours on Monday! Oh yes, there was a Raj Thackeray even in those days, who decided we won’t play colours on the same day as Biharis.

I for one am not a very enthusiastic endorser of “water-less Holi”. Firstly, if you play only with dry colours, it is going to take you all that water you were trying to save, to get that Chinese powder off your body! And secondly, I don’t have proper statistics right now, but I am sure by not playing Holi, we may consume not more than 5% more water than on a normal day – when we swim in our private swimming pool, followed by a relaxing tub bath, getting ready just in time to attend the rain shower party a friend’s small wedding function of only 1000 people! Phew. That’s such a tedious relaxation routine, that one may need to go to Dubai and book a villa next to the man-made beach as a relaxing holiday from this relaxation routine! Oh, did I mention all this wastage, oops usage, is only for relaxation?

The point is, let’s leave our hypocrisy at home on festivals, and adopt a sustainable lifestyle each day, every day. Our yesterday’s lesson – the planet is dying- is today’s reality! We don’t have any more time!

The well cannot get any drier.

The reality cannot strike any harder.

But alas, we aren’t growing any wiser!