Appraisal Festival For Kids

Ho Ho Ho! It’s that time of the year when “good” and “well-behaved” children are rewarded – for being good and well-behaved of course. It is just one of those traditions when elders bribe the children to be good so that they don’t grow up and bribe…erm?

So I am wondering how Santa Claus (SC) discusses with his Human Resource consultant (HR) about the management of the gifts in ratio with the degree of “niceness” of little mortal beings. Let’s explore…

HR: Sir! Sir..SIR!

SC: *wakes up* what is it?

HR: It’s time. We need to evaluate the yearly performance of these naughty brats.

SC: What? Why on earth do I have the most taxing job ever? Whoever fancies sneaking down through chimneys when everyone is chilling in the holiday season! FML.

HR: Eh..the Amazon preview sale is until midnight, let’s go over the list so that we can get great discounts, shall we? What about Donald?

SC: Who? Trump? The same guy who when opens his mouth is only to change whichever foot was previously in there? Have they started selling feet online yet? We may need a couple of hundred for him for the coming year.

xmas1HR: Well, what about Salman Khan?

SC: Oh ya, order a car for him. I know it’s a highly unsafe choice, but he needs to go far before he signs any other movie or Bigg Boss…the sooner he goes, the better. And that way, I guess I am compensating by saving an entire population!

HR: Right. Next is Barkha Dutt?

SC: This young lady has delusions of adequacy. If I had it my way, I would get her off the TV first, but my contract doesn’t allow me to do that. Well, just put her in the list of not-nice children.

HR: Narendra Modi?

SC: He is the same kid tea-seller we had given a pencil a few years ago, right? Well, it certainly takes him no time to make his pointless.  Blade it is then.

HR: Robert Vadra?

SC:   What more do I give him, when I am already paying a toll to pass through his property, be it on ground or in the air!

HR: Kejriwal?

SC: Oh, get this chap removed from the list, and ban him from all future considerations. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom. Check if he has started digging there yet? Or else there will be no place left for him to go!

HR: *chuckles* Rahul Gandhi?

SC: Aww, finally we are talking about children, is it? It’s the easiest to please someone who would be out of their depth in a roadside puddle – also created by them. Candy it is. Anything that remotely looks like one will also do. Just something else for him to suck up to, you know!

That reminds me, I haven’t done my bit of sucking up to Santa Claus for fulfilling my greed…umm I mean needs. After all, like they say (and I repeat on every Christmas) – Nothing comes easy in life. Even Santa comes with a clause.

A Guide To The Colours Of Navratri

Navratri was essentially known for amazingly elaborate Durga Puja in Bengal, the official avenue for guys to pick up girls by showing their best “moves” in Gujarat, and of course the country’s official ‘Eid ka Chaand’ – Falguni Pathak. But recently it has become more of a festival of hue.

(Oh, hue reminds me that I am writing this article from Hue in Vietnam, and it is so effing beautiful here! How is whacking dandiya sticks to remove the days’ frustration on your end coming along, y’all?) Muhaha.

Even from here I can imagine the country being so colour co-ordinated that it would make everyone doubt their eyesight! But have you ever wondered what the nine colours really signify? Let me help you there.

Day 1  – Grey

To mark the beginning of Navratri, Shailputri, an incarnation of Goddess Parvati is worshipped. Grey stands for purity. And considering all the pollution, we all know the colour of purity in India is Grey. Enough said.

Day 2 – Orange

The colour orange stands for Nature. I think this is from where ‘Orange is the new black’ came into being.

Day 3 – White

Dwitiya, the second day of Navratri, celebrates Brahmacharini – the virgin phase of Parvati and signifies her “purity”. If we go by all the sanitary napkin ads on television, then white definitely seems legit here.

Day 4 – Red

This day celebrates married incarnation of Parvati. This form generally rides a tigress, and represents bravery and courage. Of course! Marrying definitely fits the representation. And going by the reasoning for white, what other colour to signify impurity but red, eh?

Day 5 – Blue

On this day the goddess is worshipped as all the energy in the universe. With the percentage of people feeling blue being so considerable, the colour proves apt here.

Day 6 – Yellow

Look at the stars, look how they shine for you. Everything you do. They were all yellow! Cold play just suns it for us beautifully!

Day 7 – Green

On this day the warrior form of the goddess is worshipped. And according to me no other colour signifies ‘make peace, not war’ better than green. White is the universal colour of peace, but the idea of a war-free world is full of lush green on every inch of this planet! Oh so beautiful!

Day 8 – Peacock Green

Now I am sure some woman somewhere has designed this list. Only a woman cannot be satisfied with a blue and a green, and still demand for a particular shade of those colours! And what other colour to represent Kalaratri- the forecast form of the goddess. I mean we definitely can be fierce with our perfect shade, you know. *Plops her tangerine bag on olive green couch*

Day 9 – Purple

All I am thinking right now is how will it look if an entire city wears this colour. It really is not one of my favourites, and I am dreading tomorrow. Oh wait!

Well, personally I don’t care about these colours or what they signify, but if I have to see then every year, can we please change them to a few shades in fashion, and specify CMYK for more uniformity and effectiveness?!