Aye to Zzzz

Mitron! Today is the first New Year’s Eve in the history of New Year’s Eve when we may start drinking at 8pm not to celebrate but to forget. Our beloved Modiji once again will adorn television sets of every household and ensure no one really wishes anyone a “Happy New Year” because there may most certainly not be anything happy about seemingly New Year. Pfft.

funny-new-year-resolutions-1In all its glory this definitely seems to be his moment. But if he wants it to last for another five years after he completes these, I wish to continue Bachi Kankariya’s style of listing A to Z (Read as Zee, because classy, you know) of resolutions, that I hope Modi follows, for the sake of you and me of course. Read on…

Acche Din: a reality now, pretty please!

Ban the ban wagons. We need freedom of speech and action in the true sense.

Corruption can be and should be removed without having people to stand in long queues!

Demonetization to Re-normal-day-isation. SOON.

E-ticket, e-adhaar, e-mail, e-India, e-jio, ey-little more internet speed please?

Freedom to eat, greet and tweet minus any “heat” to be made as intact as reinforced concrete. (Oh yes, #ArchitectSwag)

Governance over the government. And also over Gandhi’s Game of Thrones.

Homophobia to be massacred. X 377 times.

ISIS to become ISWas.

Jokes on snapchat, and news in parliament. And not the other way round.

Kyunki Ramdev Baba bhi kabhi Yogi the.

Liberals to be given a dictionary to know the meaning of “liberal”, so as to reduce the intolerance amongst liberals. Touché.

Modi better remain the Modi we voted for!

No odd-even for the Delhi CM – governing only on odd days, to even out the imbalance? Why?

One Rank One Pension. Period.

Poly-tricks to be curbed.

Queues or National Anthem are not a sign of patriotism.

Religion and region are no reasons for disproportionate governance.

Salman to stop killing black bucks, stop his ‘buck buck’, and stop using his buck to buy the law.

Terrorism needs to be terrorised!

Uddhav to work towards a new and improved Sane-a?

Valid education degree for politicians? Oops, sorry Modiji!

Warning: Making expensive statues of leaders, without really following their principals is hazardous to health. Yours, ours, and the nations.

X-Factor of the political campaign need not be X-treme amounts of money.

Yearly review of governing authority to be commissioned, as intensely as twiterratis dissect a statement by Kejriwal.

Zzzzz, wake me up when the bank opens. With money. In Rs.500 notes.

Well, maybe he will take my advice, or mostly not. But here’s wishing everyone a year 2017 times better than 2016.

2016

318a2855d6c708721181899244b82778Whoa, 2016 is ending in just two weeks, and it has given us 2016 reasons to be happy that it’s ending. In retrospect, it was a great year, except if you are black, Muslim, transgender, woman, middle class, lower class, animal or a person in the mannequin challenge. While for some the year ended in a jiffy, but for me, it was one long eventful year, with lots of happenings the world would have been better off without.

Obviously, I am talking about Brangelina break-up.

No, but seriously. BREXIT, followed by Donald Trump being elected as the president of the United States of America definitely top the charts, and will go down in history books sooner than we think. The following few years seem like a legit repenting to these two events.

And how will our very own Modiji lose this race, or any race! Demonitization or demon-ization or who-is-the-demon-realization has made the nation doubt the choice of their leader. Well, a step that looked far more promising as an idea has turned into a complete turmoil, and added to the experience that 2016 anyway was.

Terror attacks have been on an all-time rise. Libya, Turkey, Syria, Bangladesh, France, Pakistan, United States, Belgium, you name the country, and it has been in the news for terrorism. Pathankot to surgical strikes, the India-Pakistan relations back home also haven’t shown any progress. Well, the world that was said to end in 2012, 2016 seemed to have taken charge of it.

In the middle of all these “anti-national” news, our government took a very important step of instilling patriotism in the minds of the people – to play the national anthem before every movie screening. The only thing more patriotic than soldiers standing on the border, people standing in the movie theatre, and Aam Aadmi standing in a never-ending line outside the ATM, is that no-one is taking a stand on anything. *slow claps*

Talking about taking a stand, everyone at Bigg Boss is doing a great job. No, I don’t watch the show, but how is the 10th season going to be any different? 2016 marks 10 years of us allowing the show to run on TV – or the same number as the IQ of the Indian TV audience.

But who needs a Bigg Boss when our Lok Sabha TV is so much more entertaining. Fun fact: This winter session, the parliament was in session for only 19 hours of the allocated 21 days. #adjourned

It did prove a powerful year for the Indian women though. From PV Sindhu, Dipa Karmakar, Sakshi Malik in the Olympics to Shobha De for her opinion about the Olympics, from Sushma Swaraj being as the only one who is digitalized in India to Priyanka Chopra rocking at Hollywood, from all the bahus on TV to Simar having more power than everyone put together in Game of Thrones, we have arrived!

Too hot, too little water, too much rainfall, too many silly internet challenges, too much noise at 9, too less governance, this year was just too much to handle. But hope is the only proverbial light amid the darkness.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s the excitement level while typing a text from under the blanket in a dimly lit room, after failing in all efforts of making “at least” this year’s new year’s eve worth remembering. (How was the Dadar station experience at Baga beach, Goa people?) Probably this is the only good thing about this obnoxiously ever-hyped day, and Shah Rukh Khan has ruined it for us. One cannot wish Happy New Year without getting reminded of Main lovely ho gayi yaar…Argh!

Funny-New-Year-03It is day 2 in the January of 2016!Basically, the day we are sane enough to regret all that we did to bring in the New Year! Also, the day we realise that the resolution list is made of a “no” before all that we did to bring in the new year. And also the day we live the first lie of the new year – by not doing anything or everything from the New Year resolution(s) list!

“Loose that extra weight” and “Cut down on alcohol” are like so passé. Here is a more doable and innovative list of things one can do this year!

  • This year’s “summer-y” new year’s eve has opened my eyes about the seriousness of global warming issue. I really feel I need to do my bit. I shall avoid having bath everyday, and conserve water.  Oh, and also have alcohol neat!
  • At some point in 2016, go get that thing lying under the bed! Like really.
  • Try and cook one non-terrible meal this year!
  •  This is a leap year! Take inspiration from Phil ( modern family reference) and plan to do something CRAZY on this “extra” day in four years, just to realize it is a Monday, and well, before you know, Monday morning got bluer than Jodhpur! (Yaaay, all you 10-year old 29 Feb Born!)
  • Don’t suffer in silence. You can moan, crib and complain.
  •  Get better grades. You could always try. Like every year!
  • Learn the lyrics of Govinda’s chartbuster “Meri Pant bhi sexy, mera shirt bhi sexy”. #TooMuchSwag
  • This is really really clichéd. And overly used. But again, get off facebook and put your face in a book. But, if it is Chetan Bhagat, you would rather watch people eat the best cheesecake in the world on facebook. *like*
  • Go to one place this year where you have never been! Of course, save up for it! Wait, where is the 500 bucks I put in my wallet last night! Erm..nevermind!
  •  Some people wish to do something that scares the daylights out of them. In retrospect, all they do is get married. Well, fair enough.
  •  As Bazz Luhrman says it, use sunscreen! *very important*( I know you know that it is my favourite reference)

Jokes apart, I really feel I need to get out of my comfort zone and go to Kathegalli, where I think people are still watching Happy New Year!

PS- Happy New Year everyone! May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.