The Great Indian Goof Fest

1b15226d19fa131ec93ecaa1f1315a7dSo past one week for me has been juggling between two weddings of really really close friends, and so the only thing on my mind right now is – no points for guessing – Rabdi! Who cares about the elections, or about the budget – all I can think about right now is the strategy to avoid the line and eat at these functions. (PS – Always start dessert first. Thank me later.)

So now with my PhD in Weddings, this is a guide to what I call the great Indian Goof fest (the biggest goof-up being that the shubh-est of the shubh mahurat coinciding with SulaFest.)

  • Bling: Every wedding has some aunties wearing so much gold, that we can actually save on the cost of flood-lights. (Jara aunty ko iss taraf maarna. Ouch.) Pro Tip: Wear sunshades even at a night function. You would rather look blind than go blind!
  • Rush: For some reason, we in India take ‘Vasudev Kutumbakam’ way too seriously, and end up inviting the whole country. And then have the audacity of packing everyone in a hall meant for 100 people! ‘Yeh kahan ka insaaf hai, my lord?)
  • Queues: Queues and queues everywhere, that I almost start wondering if I am going to miss my flight. There is a queue right at the entrance, to meeting the groom and bride, and a longer one at food counters, and the longest one at the pani-puri wale bhaiya, because free ki pani puri ka maza hi kuch aur hai!
  • Tansen: Well, I do not mean people who sing well, but people who think they sing well and snatch the mike to grace the occasion at the drop of a hat! Yes, those, who out of nowhere, between fun rituals, start giving background music!
  • Kids: They are everywhere. They are the reason why the line at the rabdi stall is never ending. They are the reason why you always hear someone say – ‘mere pachees hazaar ki saadi pe sambar gira diya’. They are the reason why loud and noisy weddings get louder and noisier (and sometimes nosey-ier. Eww.)

And parents, please stop treating weddings as your own version of ‘India’s Got Talent’.

  • Food: We all know most people attend weddings so that Uncle can give Aunty her weekly off – so that aunty in return will not crib for next six days. But that does not mean, we put every frigging dish on the surface of the planet in our buffet menu! The craziness around the amount of food, the type pf food, the variety of food, the wastage of food, just to hear – Par Sharmaji ki shaadi toh bahut thaat se huikoi tod hi nahi!– is foolish, for a lack of a better (worse) word.

Well, probably all the points mentioned above are what make our weddings super crazy, super fun, and super chaotic. But, can we, by any means, make them a little shorter. Just tad-bit. ‘Kya? Kya? KYA?’ – Ok, no!

*Gets back to denting and painting. Pout.*

Appraisal Festival For Kids

Ho Ho Ho! It’s that time of the year when “good” and “well-behaved” children are rewarded – for being good and well-behaved of course. It is just one of those traditions when elders bribe the children to be good so that they don’t grow up and bribe…erm?

So I am wondering how Santa Claus (SC) discusses with his Human Resource consultant (HR) about the management of the gifts in ratio with the degree of “niceness” of little mortal beings. Let’s explore…

HR: Sir! Sir..SIR!

SC: *wakes up* what is it?

HR: It’s time. We need to evaluate the yearly performance of these naughty brats.

SC: What? Why on earth do I have the most taxing job ever? Whoever fancies sneaking down through chimneys when everyone is chilling in the holiday season! FML.

HR: Eh..the Amazon preview sale is until midnight, let’s go over the list so that we can get great discounts, shall we? What about Donald?

SC: Who? Trump? The same guy who when opens his mouth is only to change whichever foot was previously in there? Have they started selling feet online yet? We may need a couple of hundred for him for the coming year.

xmas1HR: Well, what about Salman Khan?

SC: Oh ya, order a car for him. I know it’s a highly unsafe choice, but he needs to go far before he signs any other movie or Bigg Boss…the sooner he goes, the better. And that way, I guess I am compensating by saving an entire population!

HR: Right. Next is Barkha Dutt?

SC: This young lady has delusions of adequacy. If I had it my way, I would get her off the TV first, but my contract doesn’t allow me to do that. Well, just put her in the list of not-nice children.

HR: Narendra Modi?

SC: He is the same kid tea-seller we had given a pencil a few years ago, right? Well, it certainly takes him no time to make his pointless.  Blade it is then.

HR: Robert Vadra?

SC:   What more do I give him, when I am already paying a toll to pass through his property, be it on ground or in the air!

HR: Kejriwal?

SC: Oh, get this chap removed from the list, and ban him from all future considerations. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom. Check if he has started digging there yet? Or else there will be no place left for him to go!

HR: *chuckles* Rahul Gandhi?

SC: Aww, finally we are talking about children, is it? It’s the easiest to please someone who would be out of their depth in a roadside puddle – also created by them. Candy it is. Anything that remotely looks like one will also do. Just something else for him to suck up to, you know!

That reminds me, I haven’t done my bit of sucking up to Santa Claus for fulfilling my greed…umm I mean needs. After all, like they say (and I repeat on every Christmas) – Nothing comes easy in life. Even Santa comes with a clause.