That was the week that was!

Arnab Desai had news channels,

E-I-E-I-O

On their channel they had some TRPs,

E-I-E-I-O

With a suicide here, and an anti-national there,

Here a scam, there a rally,

Everywhere a perk, perk!

Current_Affairs_IndiaWith so much happening this week, our journalist had a field day! This gave them an opportunity to have a finger in every goddamn pie! Let me just list down all the major happenings of our country this week, just to put things in perspective, regarding our current state of “well-fare”!

  • There was Jesus Christ, and now there is Salman Khan. Jesus turned water to wine. Salman turned it back to water.

Salman: 1; Christ: 0.

(Do I have to apologize to Christ? Will I be called a racist or an anti-national? I hope no sedition charges on me for this one!)

  • The rich 17-year old brat recklessly driving Mercedes need not worry about justice with Hit-and-Run cases in our country! When you have a mentor like Salman Khan, no number Siddhart Sharmas’ dying is going to lead to justice. Relax bro, care for some Martini?

Salman: 2; Integrity: 0.

  • There has not been respite for the jewelers. This one month long protest doesn’t seem to be leading anywhere! This protest-turned-slugfest became fun when the leader of Anti-corruption movement jumped in to back holders of unaccounted wealth. Well, there is an opportunist and then there is Kejriwal.

Corruption: 1; Honesty: 0.

  •  In the last few weeks, for the first time in India, we experienced equality in the true sense- Jewelers and Farmers, both were on protest. Time for self-evaluation, Modiji? While they are sticking to their side of dispute in this scorching heat, a Good Samaritan sent them a stand-up comedian for a little entertainment- our very own favourite, Rahul Gandhi!

Gandhi: 1; Protestors: -10.

  • Talking about scorching heat, the drought situation is real. And IPL being conducted in drought stricken Maharashtra will only talk about our priorities – green paper over green fields. But why is everyone insisting on shifting IPL outside Maharashtra? Rather we must insist on them to import a measly 150 lakh litre of water in Maharashtra! Let’s play their game their way!

On a side note, to overcome the water crisis, contact Salman.

Salman: 3; Society: 0.

  • Thank God Bihar isn’t suffering from a drought situation. Given the liquor ban, even Salman wouldn’t have been able to help.

Nitish: 1; Salman: 0.

  • Close to Bihar is Chandigarh, where people who couldn’t get into roadies are struggling to make a mark in Stand-Up Comedy, under Modi’s “Stand-Up India” scheme. One minute silence for them.

Roadies: 1; Modi: 0.

  • Not so close to Bihar is Panama, from where a few papers were leaked, and now some rather important people are in a fix. Alas, if only it was as easy as papers leaking at University. Sigh.

Indebted India: 1; Incredible India: 0.

  • University paper leaks are least of our concern these days. Universities now serve a larger purpose- they have become prime centers for playing dirty politics. Education – Ha! Who cares?

Wide-eyed kids (studying in Hindu Madrasas) in 2020 – Are you really telling me universities were supposed to impart knowledge and stood on three pillars – Parampara; Pratishtha; Anushasan? (Courtesy- Senior Bachchan; because junior never seemed to have gone to one)

Bharat Mata ki Jai: 1; Mohabbatein: 0.

  • On the other hand, my heart goes out to students preparing to get into IIT, but merely will end up getting into a life-long education loan. Only to be able to use the Stand Up scheme of course!

Banks: 1; Education: 0.

  • Solely good lord can save our country from all this chaos and stupidity! Gee, but then again, owing to the way He created me, I cannot enter the temple to meet Him! With temple’s new found idea of gender equality, I am looking for a transgender to take my message to the almighty. Any references?

Stupidity: 1; Sanity: 0.

  • This bring me to my favourite – Rakhi Sawant vs. Ceiling fan! For someone who has never seen a fan in her entire career, I can probably understand why she wishes to ban them. Though I would request the government to let her use one before they do so!

Rakhi Sawant won; everyone else zero.

All I can say is that at the end of the day, everyone is but just a speck of dust that no one cares about. A tiny speck on a pale blue dot suspended in a vast cosmic arena.

It’s been a Ban-tastic year!

Why wasn’t I informed when the Make in India was replaced by Ban in India? Gosh, I feel so left out!

Last week, Maharashtra government banned consumption of meat for 4 days during an auspicious festival of Jains. I think it’s just funny how the government is slowly turning into our menu card.  Initially, I was wondering what the point of all the outrage against it was. Yeah, they have banned meat – but it’s only for 4 days! One could always store it. To a hardcore vegetarian like me, it couldn’t care any less. And I didn’t.

But then a conversation with my friend made me realize that the point is not just about these 4 days, but the whole inherent issue with governance. May be I am taking it a little too far, but it, basically, is cultural terrorism.

In fact, all the bans levied this year essentially are a result of the same thinking!

The only thing that is common in all these bans is our inability to tackle sensitive issues. Banning is running away from the scenario. It is a reflection of our hypocrisy, narrow-mindedness, bias, and cowardice. It shows that we have no faith in our thousands of year old culture and value system, that we are questioning its sustenance.

Having said that banning does not deter the fact that we are what we ban.

I mean if we have to ban anything, implies that it exists, that it is our value-system, a trend now. And banning a video doesn’t change that! Whom are we kidding? Do the policy makers really believe that banning products, actions, videos, and words really curbs their use?  In fact, all it does is people looking for more illegal ways to do “it”, eat “it”, watch “it”, and all this while saying “it”.

Seriously, don’t we all know where to find alcohol in Gujarat? Or beef in Maharashtra? Don’t we all use cuss words? Haven’t we seen the AIB Roast or the documentary? Aren’t we going to save that pepperoni pizza from last night just to eat it on the day meat is banned? In fact, banning the video gave it more popularity, and all the people who did not even know AIB exists, have access to the aforesaid video. And don’t even make me question banning 50 shades of grey.

It needs basic knowledge of psychology to know how Human mind functions. Even as children, we only want to do the things that we aren’t allowed. The easiest way to make someone do what you want them to do is by telling them – You can’t do it! “Ban” is not the solution.

Whereas the meat ban is only for about 3 days, there are 50 shades of our mentality to be tackled, and putting even a fraction of our energy in that direction will get a lot more achieved than banning these things.

PS – What should I cook for dinner, dear government?