Appraisal Festival For Kids

Ho Ho Ho! It’s that time of the year when “good” and “well-behaved” children are rewarded – for being good and well-behaved of course. It is just one of those traditions when elders bribe the children to be good so that they don’t grow up and bribe…erm?

So I am wondering how Santa Claus (SC) discusses with his Human Resource consultant (HR) about the management of the gifts in ratio with the degree of “niceness” of little mortal beings. Let’s explore…

HR: Sir! Sir..SIR!

SC: *wakes up* what is it?

HR: It’s time. We need to evaluate the yearly performance of these naughty brats.

SC: What? Why on earth do I have the most taxing job ever? Whoever fancies sneaking down through chimneys when everyone is chilling in the holiday season! FML.

HR: Eh..the Amazon preview sale is until midnight, let’s go over the list so that we can get great discounts, shall we? What about Donald?

SC: Who? Trump? The same guy who when opens his mouth is only to change whichever foot was previously in there? Have they started selling feet online yet? We may need a couple of hundred for him for the coming year.

xmas1HR: Well, what about Salman Khan?

SC: Oh ya, order a car for him. I know it’s a highly unsafe choice, but he needs to go far before he signs any other movie or Bigg Boss…the sooner he goes, the better. And that way, I guess I am compensating by saving an entire population!

HR: Right. Next is Barkha Dutt?

SC: This young lady has delusions of adequacy. If I had it my way, I would get her off the TV first, but my contract doesn’t allow me to do that. Well, just put her in the list of not-nice children.

HR: Narendra Modi?

SC: He is the same kid tea-seller we had given a pencil a few years ago, right? Well, it certainly takes him no time to make his pointless.  Blade it is then.

HR: Robert Vadra?

SC:   What more do I give him, when I am already paying a toll to pass through his property, be it on ground or in the air!

HR: Kejriwal?

SC: Oh, get this chap removed from the list, and ban him from all future considerations. Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom. Check if he has started digging there yet? Or else there will be no place left for him to go!

HR: *chuckles* Rahul Gandhi?

SC: Aww, finally we are talking about children, is it? It’s the easiest to please someone who would be out of their depth in a roadside puddle – also created by them. Candy it is. Anything that remotely looks like one will also do. Just something else for him to suck up to, you know!

That reminds me, I haven’t done my bit of sucking up to Santa Claus for fulfilling my greed…umm I mean needs. After all, like they say (and I repeat on every Christmas) – Nothing comes easy in life. Even Santa comes with a clause.

Long Shot

In a population of 1.3 billion people,hockey-copy-650_022712061716 it takes some amazing skills to not excel in any sport other than cricket! Indian sports as it stands today is not what it once was. Indeed, India had significant victories in football and hockey earlier in the century – a far cry from the sorry state of affairs today.

Let us consider the top 5 reasons for sports not working in our stride!

  1. No infrastructure:

Of course! That is our answer to everything! It’s like we have accepted that it is an acceptable answer, and then feel sorry for ourselves. Why doesn’t the government make pet shelters? No infrastructure for people, how can we create one for dogs? Okay, why isn’t there shelter for everyone? Because they rented it out. Oh yes, why should they shift to a better facility, if they can earn an added income, and still enjoy the perks of being under poverty line?

Sure.

2. Education:

At school, and at home both. We are taught to be great at sports, only after we excel in academics! One of the more popular sayings in recent times is – “If you are good at something, do it after engineering.” That essentially sums up our entire education system. Sports is not encouraged in schools, or at home. Forget it even being an option, it is royally looked down upon and used as sarcasm if you don’t score well – “Aur khelo bahar jaake!”

It’s viewed as a mere hobby in our country, and not a career.

3. Electricity:

You would say I have a knack of starting with any topic and bringing it to a point where I bash our government for core issues. Well, what do I do if they function that way! This year a few of our players were robbed of a chance to participate in the Rio Olympics only because – wait for it – power failure! What? Yes, you read it right. In the part of the country when people use generators to prepare lassi in a celebration, one couldn’t be deployed for something as important as Olympic selection, is a sham(e).

4. Role-models.

How can this not make it to the list when Salman is involved! There was a whole fiasco regarding the ambassadors for Rio Olympics, and Salman Khan was one of them. Since we don’t encourage sports, we need to borrow from Bollywood to represent us in sports as well. Anyway, given the collective IQ of our country, we come to know about our great sportsmen only when a movie is made on them! Sigh.

Though, Salman is a great choice. He is a great shooter himself.

5. Genes:

This is my favourite! I was bowled over when I was doing my research and realized that a lot of people believe that we don’t excel in sports because we don’t have the kind of body required for it! In a population of 1.3 billion people. Bravo!

If anything, we are great at making excuses, and no one can beat us to that. Not even close.

That was the week that was!

Arnab Desai had news channels,

E-I-E-I-O

On their channel they had some TRPs,

E-I-E-I-O

With a suicide here, and an anti-national there,

Here a scam, there a rally,

Everywhere a perk, perk!

Current_Affairs_IndiaWith so much happening this week, our journalist had a field day! This gave them an opportunity to have a finger in every goddamn pie! Let me just list down all the major happenings of our country this week, just to put things in perspective, regarding our current state of “well-fare”!

  • There was Jesus Christ, and now there is Salman Khan. Jesus turned water to wine. Salman turned it back to water.

Salman: 1; Christ: 0.

(Do I have to apologize to Christ? Will I be called a racist or an anti-national? I hope no sedition charges on me for this one!)

  • The rich 17-year old brat recklessly driving Mercedes need not worry about justice with Hit-and-Run cases in our country! When you have a mentor like Salman Khan, no number Siddhart Sharmas’ dying is going to lead to justice. Relax bro, care for some Martini?

Salman: 2; Integrity: 0.

  • There has not been respite for the jewelers. This one month long protest doesn’t seem to be leading anywhere! This protest-turned-slugfest became fun when the leader of Anti-corruption movement jumped in to back holders of unaccounted wealth. Well, there is an opportunist and then there is Kejriwal.

Corruption: 1; Honesty: 0.

  •  In the last few weeks, for the first time in India, we experienced equality in the true sense- Jewelers and Farmers, both were on protest. Time for self-evaluation, Modiji? While they are sticking to their side of dispute in this scorching heat, a Good Samaritan sent them a stand-up comedian for a little entertainment- our very own favourite, Rahul Gandhi!

Gandhi: 1; Protestors: -10.

  • Talking about scorching heat, the drought situation is real. And IPL being conducted in drought stricken Maharashtra will only talk about our priorities – green paper over green fields. But why is everyone insisting on shifting IPL outside Maharashtra? Rather we must insist on them to import a measly 150 lakh litre of water in Maharashtra! Let’s play their game their way!

On a side note, to overcome the water crisis, contact Salman.

Salman: 3; Society: 0.

  • Thank God Bihar isn’t suffering from a drought situation. Given the liquor ban, even Salman wouldn’t have been able to help.

Nitish: 1; Salman: 0.

  • Close to Bihar is Chandigarh, where people who couldn’t get into roadies are struggling to make a mark in Stand-Up Comedy, under Modi’s “Stand-Up India” scheme. One minute silence for them.

Roadies: 1; Modi: 0.

  • Not so close to Bihar is Panama, from where a few papers were leaked, and now some rather important people are in a fix. Alas, if only it was as easy as papers leaking at University. Sigh.

Indebted India: 1; Incredible India: 0.

  • University paper leaks are least of our concern these days. Universities now serve a larger purpose- they have become prime centers for playing dirty politics. Education – Ha! Who cares?

Wide-eyed kids (studying in Hindu Madrasas) in 2020 – Are you really telling me universities were supposed to impart knowledge and stood on three pillars – Parampara; Pratishtha; Anushasan? (Courtesy- Senior Bachchan; because junior never seemed to have gone to one)

Bharat Mata ki Jai: 1; Mohabbatein: 0.

  • On the other hand, my heart goes out to students preparing to get into IIT, but merely will end up getting into a life-long education loan. Only to be able to use the Stand Up scheme of course!

Banks: 1; Education: 0.

  • Solely good lord can save our country from all this chaos and stupidity! Gee, but then again, owing to the way He created me, I cannot enter the temple to meet Him! With temple’s new found idea of gender equality, I am looking for a transgender to take my message to the almighty. Any references?

Stupidity: 1; Sanity: 0.

  • This bring me to my favourite – Rakhi Sawant vs. Ceiling fan! For someone who has never seen a fan in her entire career, I can probably understand why she wishes to ban them. Though I would request the government to let her use one before they do so!

Rakhi Sawant won; everyone else zero.

All I can say is that at the end of the day, everyone is but just a speck of dust that no one cares about. A tiny speck on a pale blue dot suspended in a vast cosmic arena.

Prem Ratan Dhan Se Payo

Why didn’t anyone tell me that Canvas Laugh Factory bought the Bombay High Court? Sigh.

Once again, there was mockery of justice by Indian judiciary! Unfortunately, that is not surprising at all!

This 13-year long legal odyssey, with its share of twists and turns, has not been any less than a masala Bollywood movie. In the first frame, a crime is committed. And then the protagonist (national heart-throb) finds himself in the courtroom, with his honour at stake! Evidently, he was accused of a heinous crime that he didn’t do! The viewers sit through this entire nail-biting  episode, watching the actor suffer, but giving a tough fight to this nasty judicial system – even served a sentence for the added drama. After all the struggle, the hero fights against all odds, and leads this movie towards a happy ending! Only, in this case, there is no love story. Awww.

In the meanwhile, Abbas-Mustan are busy taking notes, this time determined not copy from another movie, but directly from Bhai’s life. May be they get a better star cast, considering Bhai would want to volunteer for it! 500-crore recovery plan! Wohoo!

But, life isn’t a Bollywood movie where “hero” wins towards the end. Sometimes villains take the cake too. On a day like December 10 when some believe justice has been delivered (for now) to one man, a superstar disdained by legal woes. Others believe justice has been denied because he has not gone to jail. All said and done, it remains about Salman Khan, and Noorullah is forgotten somewhere in this whole star-studded affair!

Watching the brouhaha on television channels and scanning tweets was both an entertainment and a depressing exercise. What was lost in this cacophony of screaming and counter-screaming, with TV anchors clearly playing to the gallery while thundering about the “injustice” done to the aam aadmi, were the legal points. SinceIMG-20151212-WA0000, the little birds tweeting aren’t heard or valued, shouldn’t a well-meaning legal eagle take this route to ensure some form of justice is delivered to the victims?

Over the years, the Salman Khan chronicle has shifted from Being Bad Boy to Being Human. His success and fan following has
multiplied by truckloads. There’s no logic to his success. Just like there is no logic to what his fans say-

“If courts sends people to jail to make them a better persons there is no better or best than Salman. If he did one bad thing then he did 100 other good things too that cannot be ignored. Everybody makes mistakes then why only he is getting haunted by his mistakes even after 13 years. I am feeling so much pain my heart.” Like really? That shit you are smoking is damn good, bro!

However taking inspiration from this successful attempt, Salman has plans of starting “Being Animal”, to get away from the Black Buck case. Oh wait, didn’t the forest authorities of Rajasthan already find a suicide note? My bad.

Well, in short, to quote a friend of mine -“To err is human, to forgive is Indian Judiciary!”

PS – Salman Khan is a very accomplished driver, he took our whole judicial system for a ride. I had to “re-tweet” this one here! #BHAIROXXX